Trying too hard

What if you knew that you only had a few more weeks left? What if three months would be all you get? Wouldn't you want to try everything possible to enjoy each moment, every day?
That's exactly what I am doing right now. I know that my days here are counted and that soon, everything is going to change, or, in a way, go back to normal.
But because I try so hard to make things work out right and how I want them to be, and because I want everything to be perfect, I'm starting to mess up.

My expectations from everyone around me are so high, that I know, nobody will be able to fulfill them. Even worse though are the expectations I have from myself. I'm telling myself to cherish every single second, that I'm not going to waste any of my time and just make the best out of it. But that's almost impossible. If you're expecting everything to be perfect, things are doomed to go wrong.

And even though I know all this, that I shouldn't put my expectations so high, I'm still doing exactly that.

..

6/3/2011

...is the day I'm gonna get on my plane to go back to Germany. I'm gonna have to leave everything behind and nothing will ever be the same again. But that's what I signed up for.

I came here so I could "get a glimpse" of a different culture, different country, different people, experience another lifestyle. I knew that there would be the day I'd have to leave and there were times when I wanted nothing more than for that day to be here already.

Now, facing the fact that I have no more than three months remaining, I would give everything just to be able to make this last longer, another month, another week. A day. But

...

Other vacations

I've been to Portugal, Spain, Turkey, Greece, The Netherlands, Belgium, Austria, the UK...

here are some pictures:

The House that Built Me

When I heard the song "The House that Built Me" by Miranda Lambert on the radio for the first time, I was immediately reminded of -not my real "home", but my grandparents' apartment.
I know that the song is written about the place you grew up, but I feel

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Norddeich No.2

Learning To Walk

Obviously, I can't remember the time I was really learning to walk. But there has been more than one other time I had to learn to walk, in a different way.

My first day of high school is one example. I mean american high school. I knew I should've prepared myself for it, as best as possible, but how would I do that? I had no idea what to expect.

It wasn't bad afer all though, I didn't embarrass myself, get lost, or forget my schedule, so it went better than I thought it might ;)

Right now I'm scared of the moment I'm gonna have to step on German ground again. Going back home is a scary thing to think about, and yet I have to face it.

Today

Norddeich

Opening the door, I'm still overwhelmed by the familiar smell meeting me inside, even though it didn't change at all in over 15 years, or maybe especially because of that. Breathing in this scent makes a million thoughts rush through my head and memories flash before my eyes. All I can really think about, though, is, that this is going to be the last time I'm experiencing this, the last time entering the house I've spent so many holidays in. I am sure that there is no other place in this world that smells like this, and no scent can compare to it.

My Dad's parents bought their little vacation home about 25 years ago, and not a single year has passed that my Mum and I didn't take the 4-hour drive out to the North Sea coast of Germany, or more specific, the little town of Norddeich. By now, I can truly say I know the way by heart and could find it with my eyes closed. Every inch of this house brings back another memory